


Harder To Hold

by Teland



Series: Other Paths [9]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: 1998, Baby's First Attempt At Polyamory, Damnit I Tried, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-09-22
Updated: 1998-09-22
Packaged: 2020-12-02 00:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20948975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teland/pseuds/Teland
Summary: Everybody does some thinking.





	Harder To Hold

"Let me in."

The words hit Mulder like a slam to the chest. A blink and   
he was shocked to find Alex still that same distance away,   
still outside his apartment. The wide eyes were shadowed,   
the stance patient. Mulder thought he felt a hum, but he   
couldn't deny the possibility that the tension was his own.

"Alex."

He couldn't say more than that -- there was too much his   
mind was punishing him for saying earlier -- but Alex   
simply nodded and walked in. He might've taken a step back   
to make it easier to close the door, but Mulder couldn't   
say for sure. Alex was there, nothing but a meaningless   
few layers of cloth and air separating them. Mulder's   
hands ached to touch and he indulged, cupping the smooth,   
cool face and tugging the man closer. 

Alex moved within the clasp of the hands and he couldn't   
tell if it was a nuzzle or negation but it felt wonderful   
and he leaned in to breathe against the other man's mouth.

"What does this mean to you, Mulder?"

"Everything." And it hurt to say but the rightness was   
undeniable and Alex's harsh pant was response enough and   
more and they were moving. Alex's kiss was soft, sweet   
despite the acid of something Mulder didn't want to think   
about and it felt so good...

It was awkward to hold the other man's face this way but   
Mulder didn't want to chance letting go; the rest of him   
was too cold and Alex wasn't holding him yet. Mulder   
coaxed the younger man's tongue into his mouth with his   
own, pulled on it to hear him moan and then Alex was   
pulling away.

//Not again...//

He felt no shame in moving after him; didn't hesitate to   
bury himself against Alex's throat, plead with the loose   
circle of his arms around the other man's waist. And when   
a trembling hand shaped itself to the back of his skull,   
fingers slipping through his hair, he felt real triumph.   
Sharp, brittle victory destined to corrode into guilt some   
cold morning, but here, now, simply perfect. Mulder kissed   
his way up the fine column of throat, acknowledging the   
lightening marks -- too visible in the dimness -- with   
small kisses. 

Alex's hand tightened briefly in his hair and he was being   
tugged up again, into a bruising kiss that made his knees   
weak. He cried out into it, messy and open mouthed and good   
and that arm was finally slipping under his own --the   
brush of leather on the flesh of his bicep was cold and   
suggestive -- pulling him close into the warmth he needed. 

It occurred to Mulder he would be happy just to stand here;   
the two of them kissing and moving each other into   
positions of increasingly pleasurable discomfort, for   
however long it was allowed. There were too many things   
requiring forgiveness to be considered, a mess of   
irrelevancies -- relative to *this* -- that could do   
nothing to obscure the concept of Chance. 

Not so many nights ago Mulder had sat on the couch and done   
his best to ignore the damp glitter on Alex's eye as he   
walked out of his life, but some things were too important   
to be pushed aside for the cold comfort of the familiar...   
and perhaps that was the point. There was a slowing to   
this, a gradual acceptance of each other that had more to   
do with the conversation they weren't having than the heat   
that brushed and brushed again each time they moved   
closer.

A breath and Mulder realized this had been going on for   
some time, brief breaks for air before taking each other's   
mouths again. His eyes were closed and he found his way   
back to where he belonged by touch, brushing and nuzzling   
over the cheek, wondering if Alex was watching him, what   
he was thinking beyond the press of bodies and the man   
trying very hard to drink his soul...

//I need you.//

And that was all it took to increase the urgency again, to   
make his hands roam the lean form, creep under the jacket   
to an arching heat, damp with sweat and soothing to his   
hands. Everything was right about this and when Alex broke   
the kiss to nibble along the line of his jaw, to caress his   
ear with a sharp, clever tongue, Mulder could only clasp   
tighter and hope.

"I need to make love to you, Mulder." And the words were   
breathed into his ear, such a simple statement of fact and   
it hurt, deeply, that Alex felt the need to say it. "Will   
you let me?" To ask.

Almost too much to answer but Mulder knew exactly what it   
would feel like if that arm let him go again....   
"Please..." And he leaned into the slow nuzzle, bucked once   
when sharp teeth tested his earlobe. "Yes, Alex, yes..."

Another harsh breath and Mulder was aware he'd never asked   
what this meant to Alex at the same time he was aware he   
didn't have to. 

"All right, all right..." And Alex was kissing him again,   
his ear, cheeks, and eyelids before coming back to his   
mouth and Mulder was surprised at the pain and happier than   
he could remember being in a long while. Finally, they   
were moving back towards the bedroom. He'd changed the   
sheets in those first manic hours after Alex had left but   
not again. Dust and clutter was nothing against the   
presence of the man and the bed was too large for this. A   
flat, soft opportunity to share space without touching. It   
seemed criminal that such things could exist. 

Alex ran his hand under Mulder's t-shirt and he arched into   
the touch, this overt proof of complicity soothing enough   
for Mulder to stop touching Alex long enough to remove the   
thing. Alex immediately pushed him flat, rested lean and   
still-clothed weight along his own and began licking at a   
nipple. The touch was light and relentless and Mulder was   
irrationally positive he was being eroded a little with   
each lap. The mindless rub of denim heat pushed his sweats   
down to become a chafe of frustration against his hip.

Gradually, Mulder became aware of an increase in pressure.   
When Alex started using his teeth a flood of mores began   
piling up against the wall of his throat. It seemed too   
dangerous to make demands, but he could and did arch into   
the touch, shift a bit to encourage Alex to rest more of   
his weight on him.

******

Alex could neither make himself stop tasting Mulder, nor   
could he shut off the needfully clamoring segment of his   
brain that insisted on making comparisons. Smaller,   
smoother, somehow thicker and blander on his tongue. He   
was awash with want, as opposed to simply being pierced by   
the blunt, salty solidity of Walter. Alex was hazy with   
it, lost in the dust and spiraling desire. Far too   
intoxicating. He felt a need for focus and began to bite,   
an attempt to force himself back into the reality of his   
present situation.

Mulder's cries did the job and he pulled off, alarmed at   
the hint of iron in his mouth. "Oh, God, Mulder, I didn't   
mean--"

But Mulder only pulled him in for a kiss, slender fingers   
plucking and tearing at his clothes. 

"It's OK... feels good... need you..." Words breathed   
between kisses. Absurd to need reassurance in this, but he   
did. Alex had a moment to wonder just when this *had*   
gotten to be about him before Mulder was cupping him   
through the cotton of his boxers. Clever fingers to get   
him free and this was nothing at all like Walter.

Mulder was harder on him. He felt a bone deep thrill at the   
sheer, transparent need in the man -- eyes gone greenly   
electric in a way he doubted his own eyes could achieve. He   
let Mulder roll him over, felt the tongue dip into his   
navel, the mouth hover over his cock before descending in   
a series of sweetly painful brushes. It wasn't supposed to   
be quite this way, but there was no room for complaint. 

At least, there shouldn't have been, not with the ease with   
which his hand flowed through the sweat damp hair, over the   
skull that occasionally moved away from it's ministrations   
to nuzzle further into his palm. Everything about Mulder   
was a demonstration. There should have been some obscenity   
about the careless offer of the older man's vulnerability,   
but all it did was remind him of the way Walter would   
touch him. 

Absurd to be in a situation like this. A source of pain   
that was purely emotional, and thus shameful. There was no   
reason for him to be here, writhing into the loving --   
there was no other way to consider them -- caresses of a   
truly beautiful, truly fucked up man and thinking of   
another. He already knew who he'd be thinking of were he   
to go back to Walter. If Walter would even take him back. 

Mulder's mouth on him was hardly unfamiliar but the care   
was... Alex had no idea how he could keep from hurting   
anyone, and no idea how to forget. Even for just a few   
moments...

But then Mulder let his tongue get into it and Alex opened   
his eyes to find himself being watched gravely as Mulder   
slipped down and down. Snapped back and all he could do   
was buck, and all Mulder did was close his eyes and take   
it. 

There was no safety here, and redemption seemed utterly out   
of reach. Alex looked at himself and saw a man without even   
half the strength necessary to resist the endless requests   
for punishment that Mulder seemed to radiate like other   
men's sweat. There was too much beauty in the suffering,   
too much promise in the pale, inviting skin. 

//I can't do this.//

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ continued in (2/2) Deeper still and Mulder   
began to hum. He heard himself cry out, allowed a slip to   
Russian and could only hope he'd be able to keep names out   
of it entirely. Alex wanted to run, fast and far. His mind   
showed him reel after reel of his fresh starts, and even   
though he knew how all those starts had ended, there was a   
certain attraction to the rebirth of anonymity. He could   
find some other way to do what needed to be done. Perhaps   
even be someone else entirely this time... as opposed to   
the man being driven insane by the finger in his ass and   
the sleeve of want wetly chafing his cock.

Graze of teeth and the heat ratcheted up, finally, beyond   
the realm of thought. He was his cock, and there was   
nothing he needed more than *this*, right here, and for the   
space of several heartbeats it was as true as anything   
else. 

After, there was a time to let the sound of their breathing   
become too loud, too feel a sort of restive burrowing into   
the shallow bowl of his hipbone. Moments passed and then   
Mulder crawled up along his body and gave him a kiss of   
himself

//How can you want this?//

that lasted far too long. Alex could feel the other man's   
urgency with the ceaseless rocking against too-sensitive   
flesh and made a conscious effort to clear his head. For   
this night, at least, he could try to give Mulder   
everything he had.

******

Walter took a sip of the industrial coffee and grimaced.   
Leaned back into the cheap velour seat of the rental and   
scowled. He'd forgotten just what a royal pain in the ass   
surveillance was. However, there was caffeine, and there   
was camouflage. For now, at least, it was precisely what   
he needed.

He'd lain in bed and brooded over Alex's departure for well   
over an hour. It had taken that long to recognize what he   
was doing. The realization was acutely embarrassing. He was   
neither so old nor so

//Weak.//

patient as to accept Alex leaving. Not without a word or   
two. They were both *too* old for that sort of bullshit.   
And so he'd gotten up, gotten dressed, and gotten himself   
here -- Hegel Place -- and there was no doubt in his mind   
that this was where Alex had wound up. Even without knowing   
what kind of

//Or whose.//

car the younger man had been driving he could *feel* him   
here. An itch at the base of his spine. A chill on the   
palms that needed Alex's skin to warm them. And there was   
no doubt in his mind that Alex would be leaving this place,   
eventually. 

It wasn't so much a belief in his own irresistibility as   
the comfortable simplicity of knowledge. There was a part   
of Alex that *was* him, above and beyond the large part of   
himself that simply belonged to the other man. This was   
both possession and kinship. This was a need he felt no   
reason to deny. There were some things more important than   
even dignity.

And, as far as he was concerned, Alex only *thought* he   
understood that.

Nearly dawn and there he was. Walter sank as low as   
possible in the seat, adjusted the worn cap. Surprisingly,   
Alex didn't stop at *any* of the nearby cars, just set out   
on foot. He kept to the limited shadows of the Alexandria   
dawn and moved efficiently. Walter gritted his teeth,   
waited until Alex was far enough away to consider the   
sound a coincidence, and then started the car. 

Walter could imagine how Alex would stiffen as the car came   
alongside him. Probably already shifting a bit to make the   
gun just that fraction more convenient to his hand. 

//I know you, Alex...//

He pulled off the cap and pulled up to the curb. Let   
himself be seen and recognized. Let himself be a little   
hurt by the worry in the wide, familiar eyes, a little   
warmed by the clearly unconscious welcome. Rolled down the   
passenger window.

"Get in, Alex."

Alex quirked an eyebrow at the order, but it was a shadow   
of the usual instinctive mockery. 

"Please." And the pain in saying it was as much in the   
knowledge of his manipulation as in the old distaste for   
exposure. However, it served the purpose of getting the man   
in the car, and that was something which couldn't be   
discounted. He smelled of Mulder, though, a wash of fresh   
game and expensive cologne that made him ache to bite.   
Walter took in the form slumped in the passenger seat and   
wondered what approach to take.

"Why did you leave? Do you love him more?"

//Well, no one ever accused me of subtlety.//

"Shit, Walter, ask the easy questions, why don't you?"

Walter didn't bother to answer, simply shifted in the seat   
to face him, fully aware that he was glaring. The effect on   
Alex was always the same, an odd combination of blush and   
smirk that settled heavily in his chest and groin. 

//Is it their newness that makes your buttons   
irresistible?//

Alex leaned back into the headrest, threw out his legs in a   
position that seemed wrong to Walter at first. At least for   
this man. He used the time Alex spent thinking to consider   
it, then nearly hauled the man across the seat and into his   
arms. He was *relaxed*. At ease. Sprawled and beautiful.   
Walter settled for breathing deeply.

"You know, I have no idea what this is, really. I love you   
and Mulder... Mulder *does* something to me. It's stupid,   
wrong, and dangerous--"

"Hardly new to you."

Alex snorted quietly, scrubbed his face with his hand.   
There was a brief, raspy whisper of stubble. "No, Walter,   
not new. But hard to... resist. Remind me why you aren't   
fucking him again?"

The expression was so genuinely puzzled Walter had to   
chuckle. "Would it make it easier on you if I was?"

Alex brightened almost immediately and Walter wondered if   
everyone felt the urge to kill their beloved, now and   
again. If only to keep the pain as fresh and clean forever   
as it was in these moments. 

//I'm not letting you leave again.//

The brief moment of sunshine passed, though, and Alex   
laughed a little bitterly. "But it's not going to happen   
that way. If I locked the two of you in a small room with   
some lube and a bearskin rug would all that bristling   
would become more sexual?" 

Walter laughed, slipped a hand between the car seat and   
Alex's neck. The younger man shifted into the touch   
automatically. "He's just not my... type, Alex."

Alex was shaking, but the laughter was nearly silent.   
Finally, he turned to look at Walter. "You *have* noticed   
that mouth, haven't you?"

"I have."

"And the ass."

"That, too."

"But... you're not interested."

"I'm not saying I'd *necessarily* kick him out of bed if he   
crawled in after me one night..." Alex shuddered under his   
hand. "But I'd probably spend the next several weeks trying   
to un-make the event. How much does a mind-wipe go for   
these days?"

The smile was a wickedness in delight. "I could probably   
hook you up pretty easily, Waaaalterrr..."

He let his thumb dig lightly into Alex's nape and the dark   
head tilted back, the eyes closed. "He's not going to let   
you go, you know. No matter how far you run. And..."

Movement under the soft lids and Walter wondered what Alex   
was seeing. 

"And what?"

"Neither am I." 

Another shudder under his hand and Alex was sliding across   
the seat himself, burrowing and nuzzling himself against   
Walter's body. Solidity and so much warmth...

//How could you think I would?//

"I wouldn't want you to, Walter..." Soft kisses on his   
throat, moving up over his jaw, settling less on his mouth   
than near it. Alex looked up at him through his lashes.   
"But I don't seem to be handling this monogamy thing very   
well, either..."

He took the invitation for what it was and kissed Alex   
deeply, doing his best to pull the man into his lap and   
failing in the most pleasant way imaginable. No matter   
what he smelled like, he tasted just fine. Alex pushed off   
with a hand that lingered, wonderfully, on his chest and   
found a way to lounge between Walter and the steering   
wheel. His head was resting on Walter's arm, which in turn   
was resting on the door -- prudently below the window. The   
position invited touch and Walter complied, running a hand   
over the torso, losing himself in the feel of lean muscle -  
\- so tantalizingly close under the thin shirt.

Alex allowed himself to be petted for several silent   
moments before catching Walter's wandering hand. "I'm doing   
it again."

"What, Alex?"

"The old 'I've been a bad boy, please fuck me stupid and   
forget about it' routine."

Walter chuckled. "This is supposed to surprise me? I fell   
in love with you, Alex, not your attempts to behave. Though   
they are adorable..."

Alex looked peeved for a fraction of a second, then   
proceeded to shift wonderfully half-on, half-off Walter's   
lap and released the hand to wander again. "So what do I   
tell Mulder?"

Walter grabbed the other man by the crotch and squeezed   
with a sort of gentle implacability. Growled. "That he'll   
learn to share or I'll break his neck." It was a pleasure   
to watch the pupils dilate, the lips part for a quick swipe   
of the tongue. He removed his hand, reveled in the   
immediate snarl. "In fact, you should probably tell him   
now."

"Why?" Dangerously low voice and Walter knew this morning   
wouldn't end until he'd had the other man. Or else. For   
now, though...

"Think it through, Alex. How long is it going to take him   
to start brooding about your absence? Don't you have enough   
angst to put up with already?"

A quick snicker and then Alex was arching up to kiss him   
again, fast and lovely, before curling himself out of   
Walter's lap. The absence was maddening, but he'd said his   
piece. 

"You're right, of course, Walter." One last grin tossed   
over his shoulder... "I'll be back as soon as I can," and   
Alex was out of the car.

//You better.//

A part of him knew it wasn't going to be this easy, but   
Walter had made his decision, and that in itself was a   
weight off his soul.

~~~~  
End.  
~~~~


End file.
